Don’t Want To Be Bitter

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Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;

Awww… Bitterness, 
this subject has been on my heart since I started this blog, but because of my own selfishness, cloudiness, not really being sure, if I have quite a handle on it myself – I’ve procrastinated posting this.
Yet, God has encouraged my heart, just to share what I know,  no expert advice here, just a fellow student of Gods grace, sharing what I know about bitterness after a broken engagement.

1st- I believe bitterness is one of the most easily justifiable sins that I know,  I can’t tell you how easy bitterness crept into my soul.
Bitterness was the most sweetest aroma to my hurting heart, bitterness was my best friend,  bitterness would listen to me, when nobody else would, bitterness was my comfort. As much as I hate to admit it, my bitterness felt good,  it felt good because it was seemingly the only thing that “got me,” when no body else could.
Bitterness is so easily justified – because THEY hurt you! THEY are in the wrong.

2nd- Bitterness can come in different forms, my bitterness wasn’t an outward hate, I didn’t say one negative word towards my ex… My bitterness was directed towards God, I questioned how a good and holy Lord could allow for so much pain,  after I stood for holiness, we waited,  we prayed,  we had outside council. Why God?
Slowly,  my “whys?” transformed into bitterness towards Him.

Bitterness Defined by Webster:
Causing or showing sorrow,  discomfort, or pain; grievous; strong feelings of hatred, resentment.

The days that followed my broken engagement – I experienced everything defined above- but it was all directed towards God.
How could He do this to me?

Looking back on everything now,  I can see how much bitterness I allowed in my heart, almost unknowingly it set up camp in my life. My bitterness towards God was so horrendous, I would cry myself to sleep, I would doubt the goodness of God, I got to a point of such great sorrow – I thought God hated me, and I didn’t know why.

Now, I see that my broken engagement was not due to God not loving me, it wasn’t because God hated me or didn’t see me.
My hearts sorrow had never been hidden from Him. No, my Lord never left my side, even when my “whys” turned to bitterness before Him, He still loved me. My Lord protected me from a deeper hurt( a marriage that wasn’t under His blessing ) as much as that hurts to say. God knew that this man wasn’t ready for marriage,  He knew that I would have been miserable.  God so lovingly brought people into my life to warn me and pray for me. As hard as it was to take their advice – deep down I knew,  Gods way is my only way to true happiness. Deep down I knew, that as much as I loved this man- God loved him more.

Reflecting on everything now, I see that my “deep downs” were right.
Though I still get lonely,  Christ love has swept over me, Gods grace has sustained me through this storm.

If I can leave you with one thing.
Don’t allow bitterness to cloud what you know to be true. Squash the lies, before the bitter root grows.
You know that You serve a loving creator and though this time may be the deepest sorrow of your life. Gods hand is not short to save, His power is not limited to heal you.
He knows your hurting and He comes down from on high to comfort you. In Christ you will be made strong.


These 5 words are sometimes a hard pill to swallow, after a broken engagement my world was left upside down with no real direction or purpose.

Some things that I personally struggled with after calling off my wedding :

1) Pain- The kind of deep hurting that makes you think death would be better option, then to go through one more hour of the pain.

2) Loneliness – Ok, this was my best friend,  we spent every day together,  made dinner together almost every night, worked out together, I had trouble remembering what the heck I even did on Friday nights before I met John(not his real name).

3) Bitterness – It’s almost a year later and I still catch myself drifting into bitterness, praying God brings about swift judgment for the sorrows I’ve suffered.

4) Sadness – I think I took a whole week off from work, just to cry.

I’m sure I could probably make a list a mile long of the emotions I went through after calling off my wedding, but for your sake I’ll refrain. To focus in on the one thing that was the hardest thing- Prayer. How do you pray when your worlds turned upside down?
How can you be right before the Lord in prayer, when your heart is harboring anger towards your situation? Overall, it’s almost impossible to find strength to pray.

During this time in my life, I had to swallow my pride and say these 5 words to my mentors, to my family members, and close friends.
This wasn’t easy- because your admitting, in a sense that your a wreck, that whatever sanity you once had is temporarily in a tail spin and life dosnt add up for you right now.

Admitting to yourself and others that you have no clue how your going to make it through the day, is something I believe satan wants us to keep bottled up, he wants our hurt to fester into deep bitterness, that ultimately leads to hate and anger towards God.
I believe James has the answer to satans attack.

James 5:13
Is anyone among you suffering? Then he MUST pray….

Can’t find the strength to pray?
Do what I did- Ask for prayer, open your heart to be healed through the power of prayer

James 5:14-16
Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him. Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

Though this passage speaks of a sick person being healed, I believe you can apply this truth for emotional healing. We can cry to the elders of the church, and ask for prayer. Do not shy away from asking for prayer during your time of suffering, Gods word says that you MUST pray, its not a maybe pray, its a MUST pray.

In closing, if your hurting today, and can’t find the words or the strength to pray, ask someone to come along side you in prayer. As we take that step of obedience to pray, God comes and heals the hidden hurts and pains.

Why does singleness hurt?

Have you ever sat down and really considered the reason why?

  I’m sure the church cultures reasons have been preached tell your ears bleed…

1) Find your contentment in the Lord, your sadness will melt away. That’s the #1 church answer I find – If I hear that from one more person I may puke on them.

2) Find what God has called you towards( missions, preaching, teaching) and then you’ll find your mate

3) Get out of your parents house, then your mate will come

4) Get out of debt, then the single pains will go away and your prince will surely come!

5) Here’s my fav- Become the person you want to attract, then that man will be kicking down the door to marry you and then you will be free from pain of single life.

While all these answers are good responses to the hurting Christian single, I find them to be somewhat offensive, a cop out for the married advisor, pastor,  or mentor. Do “A” and “B” will happen for you!

What if you already completed the list above? What if you went beyond that list? The pains still there? Oh, your not finding your contentment in the Lord! YOU SINNER YOU- BE HAPPY.

Well, my fellow hurting single if the scenario I told above sounds familiar to you, your not alone.

Hurting as a single is a NORMAL and biblical. Sadly, this has been overlooked and frowned upon by the church. Why? Because it’s easier to place blame, to treat the hurting single as a unfinished roast that needs to be popped back into the oven to cook for longer, then it is to come along side in true compassion and prayer and hurt for them.
I know it’s harsh to say, but I believe that the church has greatly let down Christian singles.
Instead of coming along side in weeping, they point the fix it finger.

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Matthew 5:4
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Thus far, only God has comforted the hurting Christian single,  what if the church started to?

… What biblical legs do I have to stand on for making such waves?
That the Christian single has right to hurt and be in longing? 

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

God himself said it is not good for man to be alone:

Genesis 2:18-24
Then the LORD  God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Out of the ground the LORD  God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought  them  to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the LORD  God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD  God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

Let me clarify one thing,  there is a huge distinction between mourning and bitterness,  I’m not saying that as a single we have right to be angry at the world or a downer all the time, we can be content in the Lord and still be hurting, we can be mourning, because our heart is longing for that mate.

The point here.. You now know the source of your hurting, not that you havnt been a good enough Christian to get a mate or that your not content in the Lord.
Rather, your hope has been deferred and it makes your heart sick.
Be ok with the hurting,  it’s normal,  it’s your inward longing crying out.
As we mourn Mat. 5:4 says “we will be comforted.”

I love this video, I love the words to this song …
As a single, I often find myself wondering why the heck am I single? I find myself struggling with purpose, because my whole life I’ve set goals for myself and I have worked hard to reach my goals, but after a goal setter has reached their goals, like me … You might be wondering “what the heck?”. I’ve accomplished all my goals graduated high school and college, found a job I like, living a comfortable life, now what? I thought marriage was next, but it’s not happening, so now where do I set my goal?

For a goal setter ( like myself ) this can be very frustrating! As I prayed over my situation God brought me to this song and also to these scriptures :

Acts 1:8, 13-14
but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth.”… When they had entered the city, they went up to the upper room where they were staying; that is, Peter and John and James and Andrew, Philip and Thomas, Bartholomew and Matthew, James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon the Zealot, and Judas the son of James. These all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to PRAYER, along with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers.

2 Corinthians 10:3-4
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.

Ephesians 6:12-13
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

A common thread between these scriptures is the Power of the Holy Spirit, the Power of pray in a believers life, that our war is not of this world, but of the world forces of this darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly places …. as I considered these verses and considered my lack of goals … the lyrics in this song ” there’s an army rising up, to break every chain”… I found the song to be prophetic for the singles in my world, Gods rising up an army of singles, He is calling us to pray, He is calling singles to pray, I know, I know – you have been praying, so keep praying! If these scriptures are true, then every time that you pray a war is taking place, you are entering into a battle zone.

I guess, what I want to encourage you with( especially, if your a goal setter too) is to lay your life down in prayer, allow God to mold Your thought process – This prayer is going to change a nation, this prayer is going to protect my future spouse, this prayer is going to change me! As we submit our time over to prayer, we will see things (chains being broken!) that will only be able to be explained through the POWER OF PRAYER.
Today, I set my goal to pray, as I pray to ask God to reveal the things in my own life that have kept me chained, as Christ releases my chains, that I can pray for others to have freedom, that satan will be crushed. That this army of singles will not fall into a pit of dispair of loneliness or lack of worth, but unite together in prayer for each other.
Lets battle!

Naked I came into this world …

Sunday (July 21, 2013) marks exactly year, since I was supposed to be married. Passing this last weekend brought me back, like I hit the rewind button and watched the whole past year in slow motion.

Calling off my wedding July 2012, was the hardest most painful thing I’ve ever done. In April 2013 I was the maid of honor for my YOUNGER  sisters wedding( only God knows how hard that was). Then my Ex-Fiance tried to come back into my life saying ” God told me to marry you, and I want to work things out.” So, of course I gave it another try, but quickly the reasons I called off the wedding in the first place, started showing themselves again… sighs…..After 3 months of trying to make it work, I broke up with him again.

Pondering this past year and asking God why I have had to go through so much pain, why have I had to let go of my hope of being married to John(not his real name).
The Holy Spirit ministered to me these words “naked I came into this world” it was very humbling as I considered how much time I’ve spent in prayer for a husband.
I can distinctly remember at the age of 13 committing to pray for my future husband and now at the age of 26, still find myself waiting and praying for my husband.

After, this past year I thought I would have found release from the pain of being set apart for Christ, not that following after Christ isn’t full great reward. It just leaves you singled out and sometimes questioning why you feel like an alien all the time.
I thought I would have a powerful story of victory and how following after God my whole life has brought me so much joy and happiness, how through letting go of my greatest hearts desire I found my wholeness in Christ- but here’s the thing,  I was whole in Christ before all this pain happened, that’s what gave me the strength to go through high school and college set apart for Him. Saturday nights my basketball  team would ask me to go and party with them, but I would decline, my Saturdays I spent alone with Jesus -praying for my future husband, for my friends,  myself, and my family … So, why? After, so much obedience towards following after Christ am I in so much pain?  Why did I have to let go of my dream of being married and 9 months later end up being a maid of honor for my younger sisters wedding.
What gives?

As I laid my complaints and slight bitterness before God, towards my situation – God answered me with these words – “naked I came into this world”… I considered Jobs story, I saw that sacrifice does not equal blessing,  sacrifice does not equal happiness or comfort,  rather some of the most obedient Christians ( like Job) suffer the most, lose the most and have the least – not true for all, but its a trick that satan gets us with, as we walk in obedience towards God. We often find ourselves in the security of our own goodness. We unknowingly find ourselves in a “I’ve earned my merit badge” frame of mind and unknowingly we find ourselves with a hidden spirit of entitlement, mine was a husband.
As I thought about Job, he had all the rights to feel entitlement from God,  because he faithfully sacrificed offerings to the Lord,  his life was wrapped in God … Yet, as he lost it all, he didn’t say “God look at all I’ve sacrificed for You, look how I have followed You!” Job said this:
Job 1:21-22 NASB
He said,
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The LORD  gave and the LORD  has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Wow,  Job, you are truly my example to follow in this season of hurt and seemingly unjust suffering,  allow my hearts cry to be the same.

My prayer is that through your obedience towards Christ that you don’t grow a heart of entitlement, or allow satan to deceive you with a heart of bitterness when hard times fall apoun you, don’t lose sight of this truth – Christians suffer and obedience does not equal happiness, but rather obedience to Christ brings assurance to us that we are Gods and He will carry us through the hurts of this life, He knows our name,  it’s ok to hurt as a Christian,  it’s ok to suffer loss, it’s ok to cry. In this we find our healing and help through Christ alone. That through this you grow a true heart of contentment, that if you lose everything for the sake of Christ, your words could be the same as Job: naked I came into this world, naked I shall return.

God help us accept this truth through our times of suffering through singleness and living a life set apart for You. Thank You Jesus

Having played competitive basket in high school and throughout college, I was groomed to breath, eat, sleep the sport, but after graduation I was left with this itch to compete and beating people off a red light wasn’t cutting it for me.
Now, you may not be a basketball player, but if you have played competitively in any sport, like me, you’ve probably found that after graduation every competitive female athlete vaporized into thin air and your left with ten hundred men at the gym.

You’d probably think that this would be the perfect scenario for a single female (yay! Ten hundred men! ), but when your craving to fill your competitive itch- the last thing on your mind is finding your prince.

So, back to being the only girl on the court, when I first tried to get in on a game at the gym, I got a lot of looks from the guys, in their eyes you could hear “I don’t want to have to guard that girl” and “I’m a jerk if I pick her last, but I really don’t want her on my team!”…..You feel the instant judgment and rejection stings your heart, everything in you wants to turn around and pretend like you accidentally walked into the gym, but that itch to compete keeps you from leaving. The itch to compete gives you the strength to sit down on a bench full of sweaty, not so great smelling men and lace up your nikes.
After, getting picked last and never getting the ball passed to me, left guarding the only shirtless guy on the opposing team(praying that Jesus would get me through the sweat baths I receiving in the key)….   I was left discouraged- how can I fill this competitive itch if I can’t even get the ball passed to me?Frustration filled my spirit as I considered my hopeless state, the only female athlete on a court full of men who don’t want me there.

Leaving the gym that day, I thought about just never going to the court again, why? Because I wasn’t accepted, nobody saw me as an athlete or as a valued member of the team, and worst of all I was a GIRL! As I considered these things- I decided that it was my job to show the ten hundred men, just because every competitive female athlete on the face of the earth somehow disappeared after college, that ONE still remained. I decided even if I continue to get picked last, I can still beat that guy picked before me down the court, even though I may never get the ball passed to me, I can get my own rebounds(then they will see what I can do with the ball! ), and if they continue to put me on Mr. sweaty no shirt guy that it will cut out bath times in my week.

This is a new world and when you enter into a new world not everyone is going to get where your coming from,in fact they will probably even try to direct you to the water aerobics room or better yet yoga class. But don’t allow the change of scenery scare you from being the only girl on the court.

This was my first experience being the only girl on the court, but don’t worry I have tons of stories about being the only girl on the court and in the end persistence pays off!!!

my very 1st blog post

I’d like my first post to be a highlight of what to expect from this blog.

For the past 3 months I’ve been praying about the content that God would have for me to write about. After much prayer, I decided to base this blog around my broken wedding engagement, after calling off my wedding I went through a whirlwind of emotions and struggles. No one seemed to understand what I was going through or how I felt, my hope is to be that outlet that I didn’t have. That somehow sharing my heart will help you through your own hearts pain.

On a lighter note, I also plan to include some other topics which are: Working out( being the only girl on the basketball court ), running ( why is this so addictive anyways?), work( I’m a sheriff deputy, working in court security ), missions( my call from God).

So, I’m excited and I can’t wait to see how it all turns out!